Brittny Marie
Brittny Marie In 1992, I had a baby with SCT. I married when I was 19 and I always wanted children. My husband was not a very good person. He was abusive and very immature. When we found out that we were going to have a baby, we were excited! I was a little bit nervous because my husband was not holding down any job at the time, and finances were a concern.
My pregnancy was pretty smooth. I did not have any morning sickness just a lot of heartburn. At 4 1/2 months into the pregnancy, I had a routine ultrasound done. The technician did not say anything about seeing something abnormal to me. I was told that my doctor needed to see me and talk to me about the results from the ultrasound. I thought this was all normal procedure since this was my first child. When I saw my doctor, she explained to me that there was something abnormal seen on the screen and thought that maybe it could be spina bifida. I was crushed!
A higher level of ultrasound was ordered the following week at the University of Iowa Hospitals. I had a neo-natal doctor perform the test and he explained that the baby did not have spina bifida, but had SCT. Another ultrasound was scheduled the following week. I brought my questions written out so I would not forget to ask them. I was told that I was the 9th person that that particular hospital has seen with a baby with SCT. There was not a whole lot known about SCTs ten years ago. He explained to me the procedure for taking the baby at 8 months c-section, and also explained to me that my life could be in danger if I were to develop pre-ecclampsia. This doctor did not give my husband and me much hope of having a normal child. I was given the option to terminate the pregnancy or carry the baby to 8 months. I went home that day even more confused and depressed. My husband, who I am no longer married to, told me that the decision was mine to make but if it were up to him he would terminate the pregnancy. My parents told me that they felt it was best for my baby to die a peaceful death than to have to go through hours of surgery and many painful years if she did live. I felt alone and scared. I knew that my current situation was not good. I had a husband who was abusive and non-supportive and a family who felt the same as he did. Do I choose life or death for my precious baby?
Unfortunately, I chose to terminate the pregnancy at 5 months. Ironically, it was performed in the same hospital wing as labor and delivery. The doctor, who was skilled and trained in saving lives, was now taking life. An ultrasound was performed so that when they injected the saline solution in, they could see where it went. I saw my baby's legs moving at that moment. That was the hardest part for me. The saline solution was used to stop the baby's heart. And I was given suppositories to ripen and dilate my cervix. I was given morphine to dull the pain that I was feeling, not only physical but mental pain as well.
I was in and out of consciousness for 22 hrs. I don't remember much during my labor. My husband and mother stayed with me through the whole experience. I think I would have gone mad if they hadn't. After 22 hrs. of labor, I pushed my baby girl out. Actually, she just kind of fell out. Brittny Marie Schare weighed less than a pound, but was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her teratoma was huge. It was bigger than her head was. I held her and sang to her. Even though she had already gone to heaven, I knew that she could hear me. The hospital's chaplain came to see me. He was not much comfort to me. He just told me that life was not fair. I could have told him that. I spent the next 4 hours holding my Brittny and crying over my loss of her. We had a funeral for her. It was nice to have some closure to her death. She is buried next to some relatives, so it is easy to find. The funeral was not hard for me; it was the years that followed that changed my life.
I would like to end this story saying that things went back to normal, but that would not be telling you the truth. After a woman has an abortion, she may experience several emotions. I was extremely depressed and angry with my self and my family. My self-esteem was as low as it could get. Like I mentioned earlier, my husband could not seem to keep a job. I was tired of not having enough money to live off of. Somehow I got it in my head that since I was pretty good looking and I had a nice body, that being a topless dancer was the answer to my money problems. Let me tell you, that was not the answer to my self-pity problems. I danced topless for 2 long, painful years. It was there at the nightclubs that I fell in love with alcohol. Alcohol numbed me. If I was numb, I didn't have to face the painful memories of my loss. I didn't have to deal with dancing practically nude in front of a bunch of disgusting, foaming at the mouth, men when I was numb.
And I also didn't have to deal with a husband who seemed to always be angry with me, because whatever I did just wasn't good enough for him. I have to tell you, it is only by the grace of God that I am alive and completely alcohol free today. I decided that I needed to go to college and change my "career". It was there that I met my current husband, Tom. Tom introduced me to his best friend.... Jesus Christ. Through reading the Gospels and attending church, I was able to accept and experience God's forgiveness of my sins. Even the sin of taking my dear Brittny's life.
I divorced Brittny's dad and soon married Tom. Tom and I have two normal, healthy boys. Elijah and Caleb. God has blessed me with 3 children. We all look forward to the day when we will see our darling Brittny in heaven. And even though I don't deserve it, she will be there with her arms stretched out and calling me "Mama". I don't want to turn this into a sermon, but God has healed me completely of my guilty feeling of taking my Brittny's life. I would encourage any of you who may be struggling with knowing and understanding God's love and His deep desire to have a relationship with you to either go to a trusted church and talk with a pastor.
Thank you for this opportunity to share from my heart. I pray my story would be a help and encouragement.
*** The views, religious beliefs etc in these stories are the authors alone and are not necessarily the same as the support group moderators or the organisation it self ***
